Note: This post is written with tongue firmly in cheek.
I recently became aware that, in addition to my job as an author, I’ve also been moonlighting as a pimp. How, you ask? Well, it seems I’ve been responsible for another author’s sexual activities on page, and when you direct another person’s sexual activities, well, that kinda makes you their pimp (hey, Rush Limbaugh would have my back on this one!) Let me give you the scoop.
In Ilona Andrews’ novel Magic Bleeds, she closed her Acknowledgements page with this comment: “Finally, thank you very much to Jeaniene Frost and Jill Myles. This book does have sex in it. Please don’t hit me anymore.”
Obviously this was meant as a joke since, as a rule, I don’t hit my friends (unless they’re within grabbing distance and they try to keep me from my morning coffee. Then it’s ON, bitches!). I assume Jill Myles doesn’t physically strike her friends, either, so that’s why hilarity was my first reaction to seeing some comments suggesting a few people took Ilona’s words as a true admittance that she only wrote sex scenes under duress from me and Jill. Now, aside from the notion that I beat my friends in order for them to fulfill my salacious reading desires (my Pimp Hand must be strong!) anyone who knows Ilona knows that you could compare her malleability to that of a donkey on steroids. People, she is tough, stubborn, and has no problem deciding what she does or doesn’t want to do, and God help anyone who tries to impose their will on her. ** So again, at first I laughed away the idea that a few people took as serious the notion that violence and/or my Vulcan [Smut] Mind Meld had been responsible for Kate & Curran finally getting their smexy on (plus the smexiness in subsequent Edge series novels. Call me Pimp Momma J because I rule this woman!). But then, over the past couple months, that same supposition didn’t go away. Instead, it popped up in other places, like emails sent to Ilona or comments on various internet sites, and my hilarity turned to mild disbelief. A growing segment of people really did think me (and Jill) were able to compel another author to sacrifice her artistic abstinence principles upon the altar of You WILL Give Us Teh Smexy!
I can’t speak for Jill, but oh, the feeling of powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr that gave me!!! 😉
I have now, in true pimp fashion, decided to make some money off this. So, with a $10.00 donation to the Pimp Momma J fund, tell me what you want to happen next with Kate, Curran, Rose, Declan, Audrey, Kaldar, and the rest of the gang.*** Threesomes, foursomes, bestiality, man-on-vampire-on-werelion-on-witch-on-sorcerer, I’ll make it happen, people! Let’s ensure that future Ilona Andrews books get their freak on!
Donation link for Pimp Momma J to be active in 2050. Until then, keep it real, people. Keep it real.
**This part isn’t tongue-in-cheek. It’s true. Ilona is an Alpha female all the way.
***No, I don’t really want to hear lurid and/or freaky sexual suggestions for Ilona’s books. I already get enough of those from people wanting to me outdo Chapter 32 in future books of my own series :).
That is hilarious! Thanks for this post, it made my day!
If you try to outdo Ch 32 you’d better find a flame-retardant paper!
No joke, right?! *thinks about it and wipes drool from lower jaw*
I’m wiping tears. Sweet baby Jesus, this is hilarious.
For the record, I am also taking up donations for the Candace just fried her keyboard when she spat out her coffee laughing at Jeaniene’s post fund.
Me too, C, me too. J, spectacular post. I needed a good laugh after a busy Friday morning. This was awesome. :D.
Pimp Momma J? Really!!! LOL…
I can not wait for “Once Burned” to come out. I love the Night Huntress series and I know that “Night Prince Novels” will be just as great. I do love Vlad!!! WOW!!
Teresa
*snickering* Can I laugh REAL LOUD now???? 😉
Hi Jeaniene
I’m still smiling. I love your sense of humour.
🙂
lol . . .too funny . . .I mean really????
I am captivated by the Night Huntress series I don’t think a little advice from the most fabulous Jeaniene Frost would hurt anyone *winks* IT sounds like a great way to get more publicity 🙂 Great story , but of course everyone needs a little Sex in their book *grins*
Your message…
You absolutely crack me up. I love that 2 of my favorite authors are real life friends!
BAHAHAHA! Pimp Momma J, I think you need a t-shirt! ROFL.
You better get busy on that shirt for her then oh daughter of mine!!!She’s going to need it before Once Burned comes out.
T-shirt! Yes! She needs one for NOLA! Bwhahaha!
Perfect!
LMFAO. This post made my day!! Absolutely love it 😛
Holly crap, Pimp Momma J, I want Kate & Curran to have their own Chapter 32!!!
I want one of your new business cards at RT, please.
I’m Ilona’s orchid pusher 🙂
LOL. Oh my! I remember reading that in the book at the time, & I laughed out loud then. The mental image of you and Jill hitting Ilona to convince her to (FINALLY) get her smexy (I love this word btw) on paper was quite entertaining. That people actually think it’s true just makes it funnier for me. You GO Pimp Momma J!
OMG that was so funny. Being a fan of both Cat & Bones, and Kate & Curran, I love “your intervention”. lol Where do we send the money lmao. Way to go…Pimp Momma J.
Very funny. Lol well if this writing thing don’t work out for you maybe you’ve found your calling for a back up job. Work it! P.s can’t wait for Vlad’s book! So excited!
LMAO! made my afternoon! looking forward to more CH32’s Pimp Momma J 😛
LOL it ain’t easy being a pimp is it. Do you have the correct accessories? With a name like Pimp Momma J you definitely need a leopard print fedora.
Oh, the awesome power of Pimp Momma! Love it! Made my day! LOL! Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility—wield the smexy wisely.
“remember that with great power comes great responsibility—wield the smexy wisely.”
Ha ha!
Really it’s too funny that people think you “made” Ilona do anything. Speaking of Ilona, wasn’t there a Q&A y’all did awhile back? Did it ever get put on the website?
Pimp Momma J! Love it…I’m a fan of Cat & Bones and have yet to read many authors of this genre,…but hey, now you’ve peaked my curiosity!
Wait…you mean everything I read isn’t real? I’m going to have to reassess everything now…
Haha! If you’re the Pimp Momma what does that make fans of IA and yourself? hahaha
This post made me crack up!!! Literally laughed so loud I woke up my cat, who could probably sleep through the apocalypse 🙂
LOL! I’m cracking up over here. Hilarious!
Why was I drinking when I read this? My nose! It doth burn!
Seriously… tentacles. GET TO IT PEOPLE! The Japanese can’t have the complete monopoly on it!
For tentacles see Sholto in LKH’s Merry Gentry series
That was a vast let down. Not to mention the horror of Hamilton’s writing… *shudders* REAL tentacles! Octopus shape shifters! The new (ocean) wave!
This really had me Cracking up lmao.. Hey somebody has to keep Ilona in line lol J/K but hey that’s what friends are for right to pimp smack you in the right direction. especially for you authors out there lol.
Super funny! Thanks for giggles!
L.A.M.O!
Pimp it ! You do it so well ! ROFLMAO
Very funny!!! thanks!
So funny! I love it.
DUDE BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
u r so damn funny have I told u that I love u yet well I SOOOOOO DO
You are one funny lady 🙂 thanks for the laugh …. sucks though that some people are being lame
If that’s what you’ll do for $10, what will you do for $20? I’m not sure what’s more out there than man-on-vampire-on-werelion-on-witch-on-sorcerer sex, but I have great faith in your creativity!
I would imagine that most people who commented on Ilona Andrew’s tongue in cheek comments would have meant only to offer support to her writing style, not because they were worried you were holding her hostage to sex scenes done in your writing style.
In all seriousness, Judy, today alone on a thread I saw two different readers state that I compelled Ilona to write sex scenes when she didn’t want to. I’m sure there are some readers who are only offering ironic support to Ilona by “blaming” me for her sex scenes, but there is a surprising number of people who really do think I coerced/compelled/browbeat her into doing something against her will with her own books. That’s staggering to me, which is why I wrote this over-the-top post about it.
If I had to have a Pimp Mama – I’d want it to be you!!!
‘Pimp Momma J’, is it too late to put it on the cover of ‘Once Burned’, because Jeaniene Frost seems inferior in comparison 😉
It’s good to know that we have someone in control of our sexual fullfillment on page who is all about pleasing the clients; even if she has to resort to beating the writers to do it.
As for chapter 32, well, can such a thing ever really be outdone. I think my insides may melt if that were the case.
SO true! I for one vote for ‘Pimp Momma J’!!!!!!!!! Who wouldn’t read from a name like that?
As soon as I saw the Curran POV and what Ilona said I KNEW you would post about it. I for one think it was my “Sex Dance” that made them put the sex in the book. Yes, I did a dance around an alter of Curran and Kate books to send sex vibes to Ilona. Maybe if we all did that again there would be MORE sex:)
OMG that was hilarious!!!! Ilaughted my ass off and then had to read it my husband and laugh again! Well at least Pimp Mamma J’s pimp hand is strong and sex sells 😉
Dear Pimp Mama,
I would like for both Curran and Bones to start emracing BDSM and would love to see them try to dominate Kate and Cat. Nevermind, I guess if they murder their significant others, the stories would be over.
Drats!
chapter 32? Which book are we talking about? I never pay attention to chapter numbers. Just read right through the books.
My husband is currently staring at me like I’ve lost my mind because 1-I just randomly cracked up and 2- I was laughing so hard I was crying and he has no idea why… That post seriously made my day!
LOL Jeaniene that was freakin’ hilarious. Thanks so much for that. The perfect topper to the night.
Jeanine that was too good, if you can make it happen then I’m greatful!!!!!!!!’
Thank you both ladies!
~gasps~ I was reading and having fun when BOOM you had to write chap 32…
if you EVER get to do that…it’ll be my death…seriously…I could barely let go of that chapter…~starts to slip away in her Bones and Cat world~
~cuddles chapter 32…~ MY PRECIOUS *_* O_o X_x
i have a preference for goats and midgets… you think you can make that happen in the KD series?
“No, I don’t really want to hear lurid and/or freaky sexual suggestions for Ilona’s books.”
Oh, drat. And here I was, considering all the possibilities a necromancer could bring to such scenes. Oh, well…
What I do have a problem with now is that my twisted mind has seized onto a song lyric. “It don’t come easy” is warping into “Smut don’t come easy”.
AAArrrgghhhh!
I want bimbo room adventures. Curran and his ladies having lots of naughty sex! But detailed please!
Have to add since I saw a comment… BDSM is always appreciated. But please do a better job than Ward and do some research about it before it’s used in the books.
Oh lord, I just choked on my morning coffee reading this! Fans need to pull together and buy you a big ol’ pimp hat.
You need to get yourself a badge that says Pimp Momma. Or a tshirt.
Pmsl 😀 But I’m sure you don’t have to worry, most fans familiar with the blogs will know that Ilona Andrews is nobodies bitch.
Way too funny! I love both you & Ilona(Andrews) writing sex or no! haha!
LOLOLOLOL
That was so great! I love Kate and Curran and what was recently posted on the website from Curran’s POV with the hot tub scene (especially the disclaimer at the beginning about not liking to write sex scenes and referencing Futurama). I know you get a lot of requests for Bones’ POV but you should do the same every couple of months starting with HTTG and give us his perspective when he met and fell in love with Cat. I know I am probably dreaming *sigh*, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.
The use of humor, sarcasm or irony on the Internet often leads to misunderstandings. I personally understood her use of hyperbole and got a chuckle out of the acknowledgement. (Yes, I read the acknowledgements, the dedications and even the copyright material. Sometimes you learn amazing stuff.) Sometimes, I think people willfully missunderstand or take offence deliberately so that they can start fights or crusades that match preconceived agendas. Along the lines of I like my UF without a lot of romance and smexy. Jeaniane and Jill forced Ilona to add the smex. She told us so. How dare they! Let’s all run them out of Literary Dodge. You can’t argue with or explain to people with this mindset, you just recognize they have an agenda an move on.
I’ll throw in $10 for the Pimp Mama hat. I think you’d be stylin’ If you could really do that Grand Puppet Master trick I don’t think you should waste it on Ilona (they’re doing fine on their own) there are so many more worthy targets out there.
Read Ilona’s e-mail post this morning (as I do every morning to start my day off right!) and popped over here, laughing hysterically! To think that someone could push that particular “donkey” into plowing a field she doesn’t wish to? That tickled me to no end!
Juliane and I have a lot of our outlook in common – people are people, and most of us are incredibly weird in our own way. And like Juliana, I don’t care to have my UF turned into the kind of kinky, x-rated stuff that some authors (and apparently many readers) seem to adore. I like me some smex, in appropriate doses, and the romance is always nice. It is what makes Ilona, (and you, of course!) two of my favorite UF writers. But when the storyline becomes nothing but a few words here and there between the kinky stuff, I am afraid I have to bow out. And the whole BDSM thing just upsets me to no end. But, each to her own, I suppose. If I don’t like it, I just don’t buy it, problem solved!
Just a side note, my boyfriend *loves* your smexy scenes….even though he doesn’t read them. Pimp on G-Unit!
This is my second attempt to post this message so if the original eventually surfaces, my apologies.
Leiah,
This a perfect example of what I was talking about. I actually enjoy a fairly high level of heat in my reading material. I was using the subjective “I” in my example not the personal “I” thus leading you to misunderstand my meaning. My fault, my example was not clear. This is why I am not a writer.
Communication is more than language, but language is one if the common building blocks. I just wish I didn’t trip over them quite so often.
Wow to be honest Jeaniene, I’m not really surprised to hear this. I mean, i’ve been reading lots of books, lots of diferent authors and i can tell you that you’re one of the bests in this area. Actually i just know one author that have been as good as you. Her name is E.L. James. You guys are very creative and are always innovating. It never gets boring.
Another important thing about your books: your alpha males. Boy… you also know how to do this. It’s not an easy thing because a lot of authors try, but just a few can really do this right, can capture their essence. It’s the way they talk, their actions… their confidence, attitude… everything.
And your heroines are strong, funny, brave, sensitive… put all this together and BUM!
So yeah… i understand why they’re inspired by you.
HILARIOUS!!!! Please don’t quit your day job and become a full-time-author-pimp, hehehee!
Loved it LOL This has made my morning 😀 thank you
“Pimp Momma J fund” LOL
LOL too much fun Love your books and Glad you helped get Kate and Curran moving it was driving us nuts LOL Love Bones and Cat thanks for the great reads
Heh heh heh Pimp Momma J…heh heh heh
Epic disclaimer!!
LOL omg this is funnie. I just fished reading her book’s, I think you gang need to go and vist her gang. could get freekie. love you and her both, and Have ran out of reading material.. Can’t waight till your next book is out
ROFLMAO!!! Thought that was funny. Some people like sugar and cream in their coffee, like a little smex in my books! Keep pimpin’ 😉
* I like a little smex in my books!
New reader, first time commentor. First, let me say, my wife and I LOVE your work. You are not only an intelligent writer, but we find you funny, witty, and just a pure pleasure to read. I know, as a MAN, how can I possibly connect with your works. We both read a wide range of authors, mostly supernatural, and, somehow, there is almost always SMEX involved. (Still trying to figure that one out.) Anyway, Thank you for keeping us entertained, and now I have a couple of other names to give Tammy, so she won’t kill me when I can’t bring a new JF novel as soon as she finishes the last. Please don’t stop being such an interesting writer. My life depends on it, (literally). Have to hide now, she just took down a battleaxe.
Respectfully,
Lane
Don’t feel alone, Lane. I have a good amount of male readers, actually. They just don’t comment as much on my blog. Glad you and your wife are enjoying the books! Hope you were able to avoid the battle axe ;-).
Lol now I’ve read some crazy things on your facebook and RMead’s and I have responded to the craziness hoping I’ve said something to wake the person up but this social media world where people comment on anything little thing and say everything that falls out of their brains is just ridiculous a lot of fans put authors vs each other like telling you your books are better then so and so book in some ways this was even worse but I’m so happy you can laugh at things like this Jeaniene and as a writer myself I’m learning a lot from watching how you and RMead deal with some things that are said to you online …I also thought you were a pimp before I even read this